My Heart Sank...

            
Ezinma, the only daughter of Ekwefi and she is my favorite child as well. She has the spirit of manliness that I want. Ironly, I just killed my adopted son which had manliness. The apperance of Ikemefuna in my life has changed Nwoye’s behavior. However, the death of Ikemefuna diminished the trust between Nwoye and I. Hence, I wished Ezinma could replace Ikemefuna, who is able to re-shape Nwoye’s behavior. That was why I always say “If Ezinma has been a boy, I would have been happier.” 

            When Ezinma suffered from fever, the feeling of anxiety was building up in my heart. I spent the night awake worrying over her. I lost my son and I could no longer bear with the pain of losing another child that I loved. As a responsible husband, I did care about the feeling of Ekwefi because she lost multiple children while Ezinma was the only one who survived. Her fear and unease transformed into a knife and stabbed sharply into my heart. I wished to undertake all of the negative emotions and released her from desperation if possible. 

             On the other hand, I almost fail to disguise my anxious when Ezinma was taken away by Cheilo. I waited a manly period of time before going to the cave of the Godness. As parents, all of us have real feeling maybe the degree of anxiety is differ from one individual to others.  I rejected to show my anxiety directly to Ekwefi that I was worrying about Ezinma’s safety. I disguised to remain calm. However, my mind and action were not parrallel to each other. After a period of time, Ezinma reacheed home safely. The large stone that has overwhelmed me was finally settled down. Although I cannot eat well and sleep well for few days. But it is worthy when I saw my child is sleeping and breathing in her hut. 

        My actions would show how much I love and value her. Although my action could be interpreted as an act of "feminine", I did not care about their perception as I am who I am.